A Short Letter to My Noisy Neighbours

A house in Wellington, New Zealand.

Dear Gay Guy Who Lives Upstairs,

It’s with much regret that I must inform you that you are not an owl. I’m sure this will come as some surprise to you. After all, you seem to spend the majority of your time hooting loudly. Still, from what I have seen, you don’t possess wings or feathers, so I assume you could try to spend a little less time shrieking.

It saddens me that the only way I can describe you is as “gay.” I don’t wish to make this about your sexuality. In fact, I don’t even really know if you’re gay. I’m just guessing. Maybe it’s the fact I’ve listened to you singing Disney songs at the top of your feminine lungs every day for the last 6 months. Or possibly because I can hear your high-heels stomping across my ceiling.

I wish I could say you were the only one I need to speak to, but there’s also Heterosexual Guy Whose Bedroom Is Above Mine. Tell him I take great pleasure in waking up at 2am on weeknights to hear him having sex with his girlfriend. His meticulous pounding rocks my ceiling so hard that often I’m positive another large earthquake has hit New Zealand. But alas, I think an earthquake may last a little longer and possibly do a better job at pleasing his girlfriend. She’s obviously faking it.

Still, he’s not nearly as bad that girl living with you, Girl Who Talks Loudly. Tell her she doesn’t need to shout. I can hear her, and I don’t even live in the same house!

I eagerly await her waking me up every Saturday morning as she walks by my bedroom window with her friends. Really, who doesn’t want to get woken at 4am every weekend? I should feel grateful.

Tell her that although I acted politely, I really didn’t enjoy the time when she came home in a drunken stupor cracking her head open on the stairs outside. I appreciate it was an emergency, a genuine reason to wake me. But I wasn’t too fond of standing in the rain waiting for her ambulance for 45 minutes.

But I’m glad it happened, because it proved to you all that somebody lives below you. A friendly neighbour you can count on when you’re too drunk to ring the emergency services.

I guess you soon forgot about my existence because every night since then you’ve decided nobody would be bothered by your blaring of music late into the night.

If I said it wasn’t all about the noise, I’d be lying. Thank you for your ever present need to rearrange furniture at midnight. It must really move the dust around. Maybe you should wait a few hours until you vacuum? Oh, you already do! Sorry for the suggestion.

I wish you all luck in your endeavour to become professional basketball players. Jumping around, bouncing any object in sight on your floor. It doesn’t anger me at all. I don’t fall asleep some nights fantasising about punching you all in the face. That would be crazy!

I’m also impressed by your determination to workout each day. I can appreciate how hard it must be for you to jump up and down as much as you do. Especially on those tough hardwood floors. It must really hurt your knees.

Although I have loved living beneath you, I’m sorry to say I’ll be moving out soon. Maybe you can have a house party until 3 in the morning to celebrate?

Best wishes and warm regards,

Your friendly neighbour.

 House photo by Geof Wilson


9 thoughts on “A Short Letter to My Noisy Neighbours”

  1. I feel your pain Daniel. I too hate noise. I especially hate other people’s noise. I of course do not not begrudge anyone the freedom of expression within their own living space… but when your noise is spilling over into my living space then you are effecting my freedom of expression. I like to express myself in a quiet peaceful environment. I cannot express enough how much I hate noise. I have rancid childhood memories of nightly wanting to put a pillow over my mother’s face to dull the hideous, high pitched ’40 red band a day’ snore that that bellowed through the walls and reverberated through my spine hitting every nerve. Some might say that is unreasonable but then some obviously don’t hate noise like I hate noise. If noise were toothache then I’d be an over sized molar. And so.. funnily enough we too are moving home in the next few days, and to complete the trio of coincidence… I too have a unnecessarily noisy neighbour. And she’s been unnecessarily noisy for quite some time now. It started with the builders… they 6 months of refurbishment before she moved in. Drilling. Banging. Banging. Drilling. Hammering. Drilling. Early starts. Late finishes. Few extra hours at the weekend. Banging. Drilling. And then came the parties…. the house warmings (plural), the friends visiting for the weekend, the girlie catch ups. The shrill of over excited drunken chatter. The outbursts of random screams of laughter. Every long weekend cycling into another long weekend. But then best. The recent addition of unnecessarily noisy sex. Unnecessarily noisy new boyfriend sex at that. 5 am 6 am 6 pm 5 pm 2.30am 2.30pm 7 11 4 am pm am am am pm sitting room kitchen bedroom spare room stairs kitchen bedroom. ROUND THE FKIN CLOCK!! Now the frequency of which she wishes to indulge in, what is indeed a most basic animal instinct, is her own business. But the audio levels involved here unfortunately make it my business. I sure we as a species should have evolved adequately enough to eradicate noise. If only we could go about thinking at people. If only my neighbour could could think her fake orgasims instead of squealing them into my audio zone…

    Good luck with the next move to you both. And hopefully to more ‘sound’ considerate neighbours.

    1. Oh man, I can empathise a lot with EVERYTHING you’ve said. I’ve got many a memories of going camping with my parents when I was a kid and being in tears of frustration because I was lying right beside them while they snored in my ear. I don’t think there’s any sound in the world worse than the sound of snoring! Especially when you think it’s finished, and you relax, then it starts back up again.

      I think I’ve basically decided that I’m going to have to live in the countryside without any neighbours, that’s the only way I’ll manage! Like you, I just can’t stand noise and it really really bothers me. If there’s even the slightest noise from upstairs then I can’t sleep at night. I just lie there seething! It gets me so angry.

      I’m amazed at how much pure hatred I can feel for my neighbours despite the fact I’ve never even had a conversation with them. I’m convinced they must all be complete twats simply because they’re so noisy and in my mind inconsiderate. In reality they probably don’t realise, but I also think “HOW CAN YOU NOT REALISE!?!” Whenever they’re blaring music I fantasise about knocking on their door, then bringing them down to my flat and seeing if they think their music is at an acceptable level.

      I once knocked on their door and (surprise surprise) nobody answered. Probably because they couldn’t hear me knocking! I’ve also been tempted to put and tape an itunes voucher to their door along with a note saying “Buy yourself some better music!”

      Good luck with your move!

    2. My noise letter. Edit and spell check.

      Hi. Im replying to all. I think that if you are noise sensitive life can be hard and noise at night hurrs us. The problem is that non sensitive people feed or live on this get energy from our struggle. For some knowing there is an audience means they will perform even more. Usually non aware types or so they say. I think they know very well. Crap Buildings can place sensitive people ar high risk of danger to health from years of lack of sleep.

      This can cause a stroke, heart disease. We must take action if we have to Move then move.

      I have found people dont like to be told how to live and this seems to trigger an inner instict to destroy all out. Full on assault of noise using a variety of noises and trachniques. Its all very clever and very damaging.

      I think more studies need to happen to look at this with laws to protect tenants from it. I find asking someone to be nice to consider others empowers them to become violent. I think all that stamping loud music shouting is an attack. I think they are saying either notice me I need your attension or get lost your in my space. Its all both concious and sub concious which gives it that endless power which sensitive people must get away from.

      They need contsant support which becomes our unpaid task. Some people manage to get to that healing or friendship level after years of hard work and the noise stops. I think often it is 9 to 5 high earners a arrogant no one tells me; who are worse or uneducated. Its like a build up of frustration hate and anxiety in there own life. If you can understand that but even then I found it does not stop. Some times our Aura vibe chemicals even smells simply clash thru the walls like two solar systems . This can be dangerous. Be nice and supportive all the time.

      You asking for kindness angers them. Maybe they never had any? I think we are seeing the deeply selfish dark aspect of people in them.

      Its very difficult. I moved now have a door slammer which I am struggling with. Many socially housed types in my view have pent up anger no social skills frustrated. So people think wrongly once inside your home you can let rip. Not giving a f….ck that several people can hear all this but as its all about them that is not important.

      I am very Holistic and I studied Law. I say change the; law no one 0 make noise levels past certain db levels or The noise team auto come round. I cant see any other way to deal with expeession envionmentle bullies

      1. Ps. The law says once you are in your home there is no real process to stop someone or a group of people doing almost anything. This is idiotic gap in the law. It came about when most people were thought of as polite and so called upper or middle class. I. E no one would act like that.

        Nuisance laws are fake and really designed to force claimant to pay for private Nuisance cases which are almost impossible to win.

        In Uk legal funding for these cases has been reduced to almost 0

        Unless you can video and see something that is dangerous: or deal with the slow and biased and politically motivated noise team who are meant to wirness. Your expected to move and that is why.

        Landlords know all this and nuisances cases are very expensive.

        What’s interesting and shows malice is often when you try to witness the behaviour: it suddenly stops only for that moment making you look like a lier and a fool.

        Its all hidden as subconcious behaviour so the law refuses to see it. We are expexted to all get on with our neighbours going back to the first laws which European law is based on. Love thy Neighbour.

        Sometimes one wants to get far away from ones neighbour. I know if you keep looking you will find the right neighbours. I wish you total Love and Peace and a wonderful home just right for you X

        1. I think I have an irrational fear that I’ll buy a house and I’ll have the neighbours from hell. Unable to escape their noise without great inconvenience. I do think I’m very noise sensitive though, and it doesn’t help that we live in a noisy, small world. Here in the UK at least, everything (and everyone) is so close together that noise is basically everywhere.

          I do think on my part it’s connected to other issues though. I have no patience and am quite sensitive. I’m easily driven to anger. It’s hard to fall asleep when you feel angry.

          Most of the time I like to give people the benefit of the doubt though. I just don’t think people realise just how noisy they are! The alternative is to believe a lot of people are complete bastards.

  2. Oh dear! This makes me feel luky about my current and previous situations with neighbours. The only noise problems I have had have not even really problems – the people above my last flat had parties fairly regularly, which I’m totally fine with in theory but the crappy building meant that people dancing around my room made the floor sound like it was about to collapse onto me and the previous neighbours next to my current apartment were a couple that had daily arguments in a very angry sounding language. My boyfriend and I would be pressing our ears against the wall trying to determine the language or glean some sort of insight into what they were fighting about, all in vain – I do wonder where they are now, though.

    I worry about my own neighbourly behaviour. I think I too need to find somewhere where I’m not sharing a wall or floor/ceiling with anyone as I am one who would like to loudly sing songs (including Disney ones), but of course I don’t for my neighbours’ (and my dignity’s) sake.

    1. I blame the old houses here in New Zealand. The lack of insulation means you can pretty much hear through your walls easily. When they play music upstairs, they may as well be playing it in our house as we can hear it clearly.

      I hope they don’t listen to us arguing. But if they can hear that, hopefully they can also hear when I’m angrily bitching about them…

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