I’ve decided to ask Julie out.

I’m going to stand up from my chair, walk right over the cafeteria to her table – shoulders high, back straight – look right in her eyes and say “Julie, you’re going out with me tomorrow night.”

She’ll agree and I’ll wink. We’ll date, get married, have kids, be happy. Perfect.

Fuck, that’ll never happen. I’ll trip over on the way there, my voice will break when I ask her out, then she’ll tell me she’s a lesbian and even if she wasn’t the answer would still be a big fat “NO!”. I’ll get rejected. I’ll end up eating pot noodles at home in my own filth. Then I’ll end up buying cats, or worse, marrying an obese lass from Wales. WALES OF ALL PLACES! Fuck.

I’m totally not asking Julie out today. For the hundredth time.

Sigh. My life sucks.

But Julie! Oh…Julie.

You look so good in that tight office sweater.  I’d love to take you to the photocopy room and..shit she’s looking this way, don’t make eye contact…shit you made eye contact you idiot, look away quickly! NOT AT HER BOOBS YOU MORON! STOP LOOKING AT HER BOOBS! Look at, the floor. Yes, the floor, the wonderful, clean floor. It’s so shiny, I wonder how they make it so shiny, I wonder if they use-

Sigh. I’m the type of person that looks at a floor instead of boobs. I’m such a fucking loser. Everyone knows it. They all laughed at me when I danced at the Christmas party. Even her. At me, not with me.


Do you want to be a loser all your life? Really? Do you want to end up the type of guy that takes computer games far too seriously? Because that’s the way you’re heading. You’ve played Call of Duty far too much this week!

Don’t be such a loser you big fat loser. Just go over there and ask her out. Wait- why the hell are you standing up? Why are you moving your feet? You’re walking towards her, why are you walking towards her?! Why is your heart beating so quick? Why are your palms sweaty? Oh my God, you’re actually going to do it. I’m impressed and I’m behind you all the way. Except I am you, so really, you’re behind yourself …we’re behind ourselves…

Holy shit, I’m almost at her, what am I going to say? Shall I be soft and shy? Play the cute card? Or should I be tough and mean? Play the arrogance card? Holy shit, she’s only a few steps away. Holy shit, you’re going to ask her out. Holy shit, you’re a loser. Holy shit, holy shit… holy shit… I really need a shit. This always happens, every time I get nervous I need a shit, must be the adrenaline or something. 

Wait, where are you rushing? You’ve walked right by her, she’s disappearing. Her boobs are disappearing. The floor is a blur passing us by, it’s so shiny and….she’s…gone? Where’s she gone? And how the hell did we end up in the toilets? Fuck, I really need a shit. End cubicle quick! End cubicle!

Lock the door. Undo your belt, unbutton your pants. Sit on the toilet. Let it all out. Let it alllllll out.

Nothing’s coming out, why’s nothing coming out?

It’s too silent in here, I don’t want the noise of my own defecation echoing around the room…

There’s a person in the next cubicle and I don’t want them hearing me…you know…, it’s disgusting, totally dis…hahaha, I think I just heard the person in the next cubicle having a shit. That’s so funny. It sounds like they’re dropping coins down the toilet. Plop. Plop. Plop. I could totally beat that. In fact, I shall beat that! I’m a man and we men take pride in our poos. The louder the better. The smellier it is, the more respect you get! Time to squeeze out a tasty, brand spanking new turd.

Ok, close your eyes, squeeze and…

…nothing. Must be stage fright. Try again.

This time we’ll push harder, squeeze tighter. Come on team, we can do this, we can become the poop champions of the office. We’ve got to do this. Grit your teeth, hold onto the disabled handles and pussssh!







Phew, thank God that’s all over. It was like an atomic bomb going off. Definitely smells like it’s toxic and- fucking hell is that the sound of women laughing? Why are their women laughing in the men’s toilets.

You’re not in the men’s toilets.

I’m not in the men’s toilets? 

You’re in the women’s toilets.

I’m in the women’s toilets?

You’re in the women’s toilets!

OH FUCK I’M IN THE WOMEN’S TOILETS! DON’T PANIC! DO NOT PANIC! Just relax. Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out. Ugh stop breathing or you’ll pass out! Just relax. Calm. Go to your happy place. Clear your mind.



Ok, there’s only one way to get out of this. Wipe yourself off. Open your door. Walk out looking proud and confident. Be proud of shitting in the women’s toilets! Don’t let them know you’re ashamed! There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s natural! Everyone does it!

Wipe yourself off, pull up your pants.

Don’t forget the fly, you’ll never be confident with your fly down! 

Deep breath. Unlock the door. Chest out, back straight, confident smile. Open the door.

Oh fuck. It’s Julie. The giggling was Julie. You really managed to fuck this up didn’t you. You didn’t manage to ask her out and instead you just took a massive dump in the toilet she wants to use. Don’t make eye contact!…DON’T LOOK AT HER BOOBS!  Just pretend SHE’S in the wrong toilets! Keep smiling and walk towards the door. Keep those shoulders high! Now open the door, you’re almost free.


Fuck. Ok, just see what she wants, but don’t falter, you’ve almost played this to your advantage, don’t show shame!

“Yes, Julie?”

Yup, that sounded good, you didn’t sound ashamed, you just sounded cool.

“Don’t you think you should wash your hands?”

Oh I’m such an idiot. Didn’t even wash my hands! Rookie mistake. Sigh. Fucking hell. Get back to the sink and wash them then you tramp.

Turn on the tap, lather them up with soap. Just concentrate on the hands and she might not notice how ashamed you now look.

Fuck, she’s going into the cubicle.

“Fucking hell, Jeff! It smells like a dead body in here!”

Just keep concentrating on those hands, keep rubbing in the soap, you stupid fool, you stupid fucking moron. That’s your last chance with her, you’ll never even look at a girl as good as her again, never see a girl as good as her…

“Now Jeff, if you think that was a good turd, you don’t know anything. Listen to this.”

….never eat food with a girl as good as her again, you stupid fuck. You retarded arse-ban…


“What you think of that then?”

“Jeff? You there?”


Fucking hell, I think I’m in love.


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