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The leaves started to change colour, the trees looking sad and tired after the long warm Summer. The air was growing cooler and the last rays of sunshine were touching the ground. Autumn was teasing its way into the air and we made a decision. One last adventure to celebrate the Summer and regret the oncoming Winter.

We awoke early, packed our bags, strapped our canoe to the van and by lunch time we were on the water, paddling slowly towards a campsite too far away to think about. Other things were on our minds.

After months of tough, uphill jaunts in dark woods, this was the outing I needed. I had become bored with the beauty around me. No longer amazed by the jagged mountain peaks towering above or the islands hazy in the afternoon sun below. Once you see those mountains every day, you just stop looking, you take them for granted. When beauty surrounds you it ceases to surprise you, you get bored – you even start to get a little sick.

I stopped taking photos and started complaining. My argument: every photo I take looks the same. People back home probably think I go on the same damn hike every week. Maybe I do but I just don’t know it? A photo of a mountain. A photo of water. A photo of trees. Mountains, water, trees. Endless trees. As far as the eye can see. Trees. All I ever look at is water, mountains and trees. What I wouldn’t give for a flat desert. No water, mountains or trees. Just nothing but the sand blowing in the wind. Something different, please.

Plunging my paddle into the water lazily, I looked around. Water, mountains, trees. I took a deep breath, feeling the cool fresh air flowing into me. Then I smiled and broke the silence “Man, this is pretty beautiful, isn’t it?” Murmurs of agreement. The water smooth as silk, the mountains sharp as broken glass, the trees tall as giants. All disappearing endlessly into the distance, seemingly infinite. How could this not be beautiful? Sure, I see it every day, but this was different. Moving along the water, actually being in the water was something new, something more natural.

Often while hiking I’m forced to consider my own impact on the environment and the downward spiral hikers often bring to the great outdoors. When we find a place of natural beauty the wheels seem to go into motion immediately. Suddenly we start milking the beauty for all its worth. We find these magical places and we’re so proud to have found them that we shout as loud as possible for others to join us. More people arrive, too many people and to preserve the beauty we build a trail, a line of dirt scraped into the trees. The trail encourages more to arrive, they bring their children, their dogs, their cars and their rubbish. Rich men see the beauty and build houses, poor men want to become rich men so build shops instead. The trail turns into a road, the road into a highway. The trail in the trees is ever expanding, the beauty always shrinking. Eventually development overtakes preservation and little of the old beauty remains. People only come now because other people are there.

It’s hard to see myself as anything other than one of those people sometimes. Part of the problem. But only the smallest part. Yet still a part. And really what can be done about it? Maybe the best solution for preserving natural beauty is to simply ignore it. The most beautiful of trees is a tree that nobody has seen. Once somebody sets eyes on it, realises the beauty in front of them, then the wheels are in motion. The tree is no longer a tree, it is a place. As soon as something becomes a place, it becomes something you can visit and then something that can be spoilt. Maybe it’s better to stay at home, ignore the beauty out there and take solace in the fact that at least it exists, unspoiled by human hands, somewhere, although you’ll never see it. Seeking it spoils it.

With canoeing such feelings are muted. Gliding silently through the water. Not moving along a path created for you, but along channels carved out over thousands of years by wind and water. The feeling is a natural one, built upon history and tradition. You’re not spoiling the world, but working with it together. With each breath the current takes you along, and you feel connected to that water, those mountains, the trees.

As the sun quickly fell in the late afternoon, and the air grew from cool to cold, we moored our boat and set up camp. The land around us silent aside from the rustle of some small animal in the trees. Sipping a warm tea, I wondered how I could ever have taken the beauty around me for granted. I did not make a pledge, or a promise. I merely decided I would try my best to prevent it happening again.

By Jamie


Jamie (Mobile)
Sent: April 22, 2011 3:31:34 PM
Are we still on for dinner plans tonight?

The Guy I like (Mobile)
Received: April 22, 2011 5:11:28 PM
Oh, that’s right. That was for tonight.
I forgot I have to stay late at work. :(

The Voice inside Jamie’s head: What the hell?! First off, it took him… (uses fingers to count out the math)…an hour and forty minutes to even respond back to my text! Secondly, he forgot!? So, you know what? I won’t even respond back. Or if I do, it will be three hours from now.

If Life were an exam, the above scenario* would be question number 34. The above example should feel quite familiar to most (at least I can speak on behalf of women). And if not, I guess I’m alone here and hopefully, you the reader, will continue following along anyway.

[*This scenario did not actually happen to the writer.]

After reading the said scenario on the exam, this question would follow:

What do you do next?

  1. Tell him that you’re disappointed in him forgetting, but arrange for another night. He suggests breakfast instead, you oblige, and live happily ever after.
  2. Call him, immediately, demanding to know why it took him so long to respond. Also make it known that you’re starving, and it’s all his fault.
  3. You refuse to text him back until three hours later, feigning disinterest about the fact he completely forgot about dinner plans.
  4. Other (Please write comments in the appropriate space below.)

However, this isn’t a question on the Life exam. We don’t have the time to clearly think about what we should choose. We don’t have the opportunity to study for it. It just….happens. We more than likely choose to do the first thing that comes to mind, regardless of how silly, crazy, and ridiculous it sounds at the time. (More than likely it sounds brilliant to you, anyway.)

Thus, irrational, crazy side ensues.
Thus, playing games occur.

And no, I am not talking about those games. I am not talking about a game of Scrabble, an episode of Jeopardy! or a game of Hide-and-Go-Seek. As those are quite fun. I am, however, talking about the games we play while in relationships.

The said scenario in which I keep referring to is an example of playing mind games in a relationship. The Voice Inside Jamie’s Head was contemplating what should she say to him, what should she do, or should she even do and/or say anything at all?! But why? Is it because playing games are inevitable? If so, when are they initiated?

After much thorough thinking, I have come to believe there are different games played while at different stages in relationships. I have provided some examples below. (Age, sex, and IQ can also be factors when it comes to choosing what game to play.)

  • A five-year-old boy teases a five-year-old girl. He pushes her on the ground to proclaim that he thinks she is cute. She is crying and never wants to speak to the boy again. [Note: The games are physical.]
  • There are two people, right now, unaware of how the other person feels about them. These two people are probably playing hard-to-get because one must never come off as needy, desperate, and readily available. EVER! [Note: The games are now mental.]
  • The aforementioned two people are now in a relationship. It has been three years already! However, they fight, a lot. They also threaten to break up with each other, and if they do, they come crawling right back to one another. They continue trying to make the other person jealous by going out, taking pictures with “good-looking” strangers and posting it on their facebook. They both are miserable.
  • There could also be another two people, right now, where one person is aware of the other being completely smitten with them. This person finds it flattering, and takes advantage of the smitten one. I don’t know the name of the game, but the person playing it is an asshole. They take comfort in knowing someone, right now, finds them fascinating even though they have no intention of getting with this person. (Namely because they already have a significant other.) But it’s a a nice stroke to their ego, and so it continues.

For the past few months, I have begun to like someone. Fortunately for me, the feelings are mutual, which basically means I don’t have to play hard-to-get. Yes! However, there could still be other games that will be played along the way. (You know, like naked Scrabble.)

But the thing is, I don’t feel like I need to. (Yes, there have been times when I felt I needed to. Don’t you remember the miserable couple from above? They believed getting one another jealous would prove to themselves that their significant other cared about them.) I feel quite all right with calling him or messaging him anytime I please without asking myself, “Am I being too…much?” (It also helps that he responds within a reasonable time frame.) But it could simply be because it hasn’t been long enough. We are still at the point where everything the other person says is fucking fascinating.

I’ve already discussed when the best time in a relationship is: the beginning. Right now, we are both on the equal-playing field. The trust is still intact. It has not been lost, forgotten, abused, or abandoned. Namely because I have put it in a safe spot, under my bed, wrapped in plastic, bound by a chain.

Jamie (Mobile)
Sent: April 22, 2011 5:23:14 PM
I can’t believe you forgot! When can
can we reschedule then?

The Guy I Like (Mobile)
Sent: April 22, 2011 5:25:09 PM
How about breakfast instead?

Jamie (Mobile)
Sent: April 22, 2011 5:26:27 PM
Doughnuts? :D

by Jamie

If I had a conversation with someone, and he or she were to ask me to describe a potential mate, the following dialogue would occur:

“So, Jamie, what do you look for in a mate?”

“Ah.. well, I seem to always look for the same characteristics in a potential boyfriend. I believe Mr. Almost Right must be attractive, intelligent, and funny.

How… broad and unoriginal.”

“Okay, he must be a quick-witted, cynical, adorkable, and charming man, who plays Scrabble.

After exchanging the above conversation with the voice inside my head, I couldn’t help but wonder: if we look for the same qualities in a potential mate, are we just dating the same person over and over again? (Just in a different body with a different last name?) At first glance, yes, I was certain that I was dating the same person. Everything seemed to be the same: their mannerisms, their music tastes, their quirks, and even their noses. At giving it a thirty-second thought, I believe that we are just dating an improved version of the former mate.

Also known as an upgrade.

I have heard that people can sometimes be like fine wine because we typically get better with age: our wisdom, our patience, and even our confidence. We improve in our every-day relationships, including the romantic ones: what we look for, what we will and will not put up with, and (hopefully) develop a better sense to detect if he or she would be good for us. Which ultimately means we are one step closer to meeting that someone who is willing to put up with our shit, and find it completely endearing.

As adults, (normally) we throw out the superficial must-haves: He must be tall, dark, and handsome. We do this for a couple of reasons. Firstly, they’re undoubtedly unrealistic and shallow. I, a woman who stands at five feet, three inches, am coming to terms that wanting a man who is over six feet isn’t going to love me anymore than a man at five feet, nine inches. (He still needs to have dark hair, however.) Secondly, what we found attractive four years ago may not be so appealing now. I’m fairly certain the only prerequisites for a boyfriend I had in high school were that he should be good-looking, on the baseball team, and not in the Anime club. Who cares if he couldn’t hold a conversation? He was hot and I could flaunt him on my arm. You know, like he was an accessory.

Of course, I never managed to acquire the popular baseball player and wear him like a handbag. The only (and first) boyfriend I managed to get in school was during my senior year. He was tall, lanky, and musically inclined. He lived at home (his mom cooked us food), worked at Abercrombie and Fitch (Hello, discounts!?), and could get alcohol in my hands (Need I say more?). He was Mr. Almost Right to seventeen-year-old Jamie.

However, he would not be Mr. Almost Right to twenty-two-year-old Jamie. I wouldn’t be too thrilled to learn that a man over the age of 26 was still living at home. Sure, it would be nice that his mother could cook for us every time I came over, but it wouldn’t be so nice having to worry about a mother coming into the room, uninvited. And I wouldn’t be too delighted to learn that anyone out of high school is still buying clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch.

Like most good things, it came to an end. He shattered my heart and left me on my own. I was devastated. After all, he was my first everything: kiss, love, the one to see my naked body in all its glory, and now.. breakup. The inevitable thought occurred: I will never be able to do this again with someone. But after the seventy-second time of him dismissing my pleads and cries, I did the only thing a desperate seventeen-year-old girl would do: I went for an upgrade.

It didn’t take long to find my upgrade. I didn’t even research my options. In fact, I went with the first one that I saw that made my stomach flip-flop. That one, right there!

So, let me get this straight: You live on your own? You’re actually tall, dark, AND handsome?! You really ARE bigger and better.

Of course with every upgrade, come the risks. The risk that the upgrade may not be entirely compatible with the user. The risk that the upgrade could actually worsen the product. And it did.

I’ve developed a habit since. A habit where I (subconsciously or not) compare and contrast the past and present boyfriends to one another and to the ideal boyfriend who lives inside my head, rent free.

I must ask myself: (If yes is said, I move on to the next question. If I say no, I abort immediately.) Is he attractive? Does he know the difference between your and you’re and other homonyms? Does he make me laugh until I cry? Does he play Scrabble? Does he like cats? Does he read? Does he vote left? Does he find it funny that people believe in an imaginary man in the sky? Does he have good taste in music? Does he dress well? Does he cook? Does he like pulp in his orange juice? Which inevitably leads me to:

Is he worth the upgrade?

Unfortunately, most cannot seem to pass the homonym question.

By Crystal

1980s (mid) - Nathan, Laine - holding hands - 0054

I was five when I first told a boy I loved him.

It was kindergarten – my most sophisticated year ever,  the same year I’d accidentally tasted wine for the first time and learned grand things like how to write my name and make chocolate pudding – and I was smitten.

Before school, I’d never spent much time with children my age. There was my younger brother (at this time, he was a boring one-year-old who happened to share my birthday but couldn’t do anything cool like play Barbies with me) and my cousin (whom I lived with and who was like my brother, except he was a year younger than me and I could make him do awesome things like swear and lie).

The rest of my time was spent with people at least five times my age or older. I liked to think of myself as a classy five-year-old – I did, after all, own a Disney tea set.

So my first encounter with my peers was slightly fascinating, slightly confusing. At five, I already knew that carrying a Barney backpack was poor form. Others did not seem to know this and proudly donned Baby Bop lunchboxes and sang the “I love you” song. I wasn’t concerned with trivial things like purple dinosaurs. I knew all about relationships from the refined programming that I’d seen on television: soap operas and talk shows. I knew that relationships were the end-all, be-all, and I was behind in life because I was five and I needed a boyfriend.

That’s where Danny came in. It was my first real venture into a real-life person with eyes a different color than brown (nearly my entire family, aside from my grandfather and an uncle has brown eyes). I was in love. From the way his hair was always sticking up in the back like he’d just gotten out of bed and didn’t have a care in the world to the way that he, too, knew carrying a Barney lunch-box was soooo not cool, I knew this man should be my boyfriend. (Though I had no idea what real boyfriends and girlfriends did, aside from look at each other longingly.)

Being the shy, introverted, but clearly-full-of-emotional-turmoil child that I was, I decided that simply telling him wasn’t enough. I had to write it to him in a letter, much like I’d seen in the movies. I used free time one day to make a card that was short and sweet: “Danny, I love you. Love, Crystal.” At the end of the day, I marched up to him (in probably a more confident manner than I’ve ever done anything since) and said, “Here.”

School was let out and off we went. I didn’t think much of the letter when I got home, except that I knew now he also had to tell me that he loved me and then we could love each other forever or something, whatever that meant.

The next day, when my mom picked me up from school, my teacher and my mom called me away from my friends, giggling. They held up the letter. I was mortified.

“Did you write this?” My teacher asked. I remember being so embarrassed that I just ran away, leaving them giggling. I wondered how they’d gotten that note and why they felt the need to intrude on what was clearly going to be a lasting relationship.

Danny never did say he loved me back. Perhaps it was the ethnic tension that may have emerged if he had – he was white, I was Puerto Rican (probably the only in the town, aside from my family).  Or maybe it was because I was really kick-ass at drawing giraffes, and he was intimidated by my budding art skills. Or maybe it was because we were five years old and had no clue what being “in love” actually was.

Whatever the case, it didn’t discourage me. It just taught me not to throw the words around so carelessly. I didn’t say them again to another boy in a serious way for fifteen years. But it was glorious.

by Jamie

The beginning of a new romance is more often than not considered the best time period in a relationship. (At least according to me and I’m quite the reliable source.) It’s the time of learning about one another (for 17 hours a day, non-stop): favorite colors, cats or dogs, and what’s his or her’s life motto. It’s the time of firsts: kiss, date, and seeing each other naked.

It’s the time when I’m usually my most charming to the opposite sex. The time period is usually within the first three months, give or take. He thinks: She’s cute. She’s funny (and not in a Will Ferrell kind of way, either). She’s a dork. She laughs at what he thinks are rather lame jokes. He wonders, “Why is this clever, amazing, and attractive girl still single? And why does she like me?”

Then he discovers.

Read More

Who am I?

It’s a question I’m sure everybody has asked themselves at some point in time. When we’re unsure of where we are going, or why we have done something. It’s a question that is completely valid to ask, it’s only natural to be introspective. Unfortunately there is no valid answer.

To explain who a person is in a sentence, a word, or even at all, is impossible. No person is so simple. Yet we constantly seek a simple answer. An impossible answer.

From time to time people believe they have found that answer. They believe who they are is finite and fixed. We’re good or evil. Happy or unhappy. Black or white.

But they haven’t found any reasonable answer at all. Who we are is a complex thing, we change constantly. In different situations we are different people. Really, we are a lot like a rainbow (lame!). We consist of a range of different colours and different shades.

A lot of people don’t understand this though. They can’t comprehend that a person is made of many different identities.

There’s an episode of Seinfeld which perfectly illustrates this. George reveals he has two distinct personas. One is “Relationship George”, the type of person he is when he’s with his girlfriend. The second is “Independent George”, the type of person he is with his friends. But George realises that if his girlfriend becomes friends with his friends, then his two personas will be forced together.

We all act differently depending on the person we’re with, or the situation we’re in. We change ourselves to reflect our circumstances.

As technology improves though, our means of communicating have changed. Our circumstances are now almost as complex as our personalities. Which has lead me to ask another question:

Who am I online?

We now have a new persona: a cyber-self – who we are on the internet.

Unlike our real life persona though, our cyber-self is something we are in complete control of. We can be whoever we want to be. We can edit out the bad bits and leave in the best bits.

Reading this blog, I’m sure you’ve already come to a conclusion about what type of person I am. This person is Internet Dan. But the thing is, Internet Dan and Real-life Dan are completely different.

Which leads to a problem. What if you meet Real-Life Dan, when you expect to meet a real-life version of Internet Dan? Can both Dans survive together?

The meeting of Cyber Persona and Real Persona is never usually a problem, we can take into account that people will differ slightly in real-life from how they appear on the internet. But sometimes a real-life relationship might hinge on a relationship made online. Never is this more important than during online dating.

Now it’s time to admit the sad truth. Last year I tried online dating. I say I tried it, but really I never went on an actual date. I signed up to a few sites, and waited. And waited. And waited. But nobody knocked on my door. I started to wonder why. Perhaps it was the unflattering photo on my dating profile that showed how massive my nose is?

So I changed the photo. And waited. And waited. Still no knock.

So I took another look. Maybe it was because I mentioned I was an atheist? If a girl was into her God, that might put her off.

So I changed my religion to Other. And waited. And waited. No knock. Another change. More waiting. No knocks. More changes.

They say the most important thing in online dating is to be honest. Please. We aren’t even honest in real-life, so why should we be on the internet? Honesty doesn’t make a person attractive. Unless you’re the type of person who likes the look of somebody who’s profile says “mostly I just like to sit around in sweat pants and watch TV.”

The problem of how we present ourselves online, has another layer though. Even if we do decide to present ourselves truthfully online, we wont manage to come up with a realistic version of ourselves, because as I’ve said, we can never truly answer the question “who am I?” and whenever we do answer this question it is just our own perspective.

In presenting yourself online, you are making a document of your self-image, the person you see yourself as. But what you see, and what others see can be completely different. We’ve all met people who think they’re hilarious, who think that everybody is laughing at their jokes, when really everybody is laughing at how pathetic they are. If you asked them if they were a funny person they would say “of course, everybody thinks I’m hilarious” and their online-persona would reflect this. But if you asked others they’d say “that guy’s as funny as cancer.”

With all of this in mind, I attempted to make my online-persona more attractive to the opposite sex.

Internet Dan was a millionaire, he owned a small island in the Indian Ocean, his profile photos weren’t even of him, they were photos of a male model, stolen from a website. To top it all off his penis was huge, so huge it was worth mentioning on his dating profile.

Yet still nobody knocked at my door.

Eventually it dawned on me. The reason I was receiving no messages was because girls don’t send messages to guys on dating sites. The guys chase the girls. It’s like being in the playground at school, playing catchy-kissy. You have to catch the girl before you can kiss her.

So I started searching for girls to catch. I started scanning their profiles, looking for my perfect match.

Unfortunately, a lot of these girls weren’t as smart as I was. They were simply too honest in their profiles, or they didn’t understand what persona they were projecting online. Some had pictures of themselves where it was clear they had a double chin. Some couldn’t use apostrophes. Some thought it was a good idea to mention their love of taxidermy.

But eventually I found her. My perfect girl. She was intelligent, funny, she was into baking and Scrabble. To top it all off, she looked smoking hot.

I started to wonder. What’s the catch? There’s got to be a catch, right!? She’s perfect!

We arranged to meet. She’d be wearing a red silk scarf she said. When I arrived I wondered why an obese man had stolen her scarf. Then I realised that the obese man was actually her. I was shocked. She had a full grown beard and everything.

I’m ashamed to say, I snuck away and didn’t speak to her again. I would feel bad, but she’d sold me a lie. Maybe she was intelligent and funny. (She was definitely into baking, you could tell she enjoyed her cakes!) But her physical appearance was so different from her online appearance, that I knew it wouldn’t have been the only liberty she’d have taken in presenting herself.

I realised then, that it was pointless to make Internet Dan the most amazing man alive, because Real-Life Dan could never compete. A girl would only feel disappointed if she met me, because she wanted another guy. Just the other guy would be some freaky version of me. I couldn’t exactly fight myself in a duel, it’d just be suicide.

So maybe the solution is to be honest after all. To let people meet our real-life persona online, so that the transition from online to real-life is easier and harmless. Maybe it’s time Internet Dan became just a part of Real-Life Dan, instead of a separate entity.

Although Internet Dan, really doesn’t want to give up his huge penis.

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